April, 1997
On a warm spring evening, a young woman walks along a beach. She wears shorts and a blue tank top, and sandals dangle from one hand. She watches the setting sun over the buildings to her left, as well as the pink and blue sky above the water to her right as she walks northward along the shore. Warm waves wash over her ankles and feet. Occasionally she stops to face the ocean completely. Hands on hips, she gazes out, sometimes meandering deeper in, other times stepping back towards the dry sand. Her eyes scour the sand, looking for shells, a sand dollar perhaps. Having just read Song of the Sea, she sees meaning in everything around her. Her mind is filled with romantic ideas and mysticism, and she listens intently, hoping that the ocean will speak to her, looking to the rising moon in hopes of finding wisdom or inspiration.
April, 2025
Oh a bright, sunny afternoon, an older woman walks south along that same beach. She is barefoot, wearing a blue floral swim top and shorts. An aqua sunhat hangs from her hand. Her hair is darker, her body slower. As she walks along the shoreline, the cool waves washing over her feet and ankles, she gazes out at the blue-green water, occasionally stopping to face the ocean head-on, to stoop down to examine a shell, or to close her eyes and lift her head to allow the sun to shine fully on her face. Her mind travels over memories, plans, and to-do lists. As she walks, the sky above her begins to turn a familiar shade of pink. Odd for the afternoon, she thinks, but she continues to meander through the waves and down the beach.
Ahead of her, she notices a younger woman. She watches, at first with idle curiosity. But when she notices something familiar, she looks more closely. Gradually, realization dawns, and she doesn't believe what her eyes are showing her. As her initial surprise subsides, she begins to fully recognize the other. She cringes slightly at the too-blonde hair, but is pleased and amazed. She watches as the younger woman walks dreamily toward her, lost in a revere, barely noticing that she is sharing the beach. Faced with this unlikely event, she decides to suspend her disbelief, speak to the girl and see what happens.
"Hello," the older woman begins with a subtle wave.
The young woman startles, looking behind her to see who she is talking to. When she realizes there's no one else, she smiles. "Oh, hi!" she says brightly without breaking her stride.
"I think I know you," the older woman says.
The younger woman pauses, inspecting this new face nervously, before seeing something recognizable in the other. "Hmm ... You do look familiar. Do you know my grandmother?"
"Actually I do. I also know that you're staying with her and your grandfather this week, and that their arguments have led you to this beach every evening."
“Yeah, well,” she starts. “Wait, How did you know?” the young woman has grown more anxious with this new revelation. She begins to leave. "Um, Well, I should head back. Nice to meet yo..."
“Wait, please don’t go." The older woman's hand reaches for the other's arm. "It’s ok, I promise you're safe with me," She smiles with glistening eyes. "Look at me closely. Really closely. Don't you know me?"
The younger stares, recognition beginning to tug at her mind. She looks into the woman's eyes, then down at her chest where she sees a mole. She reaches down to touch the same brown spot on her own skin. "How?" she asks again, still frightened by what she is beginning to believe might actually be happening. "Are you...?"
"Yep. I think so."
"But how?"
"I have absolutely no idea. I’m as surprised as you are. Are you ok?"
The younger woman continues to stare. "You look... different. I mean, not bad, just..."
"Old?" the other woman finishes for her, chuckling as she notices the smooth, taut skin of the younger. "I am. Well, compared to you anyway."
"How old?"
"I turned fifty-four yesterday."
"Happy birthday," the younger answers automatically,
"Same to you," the woman replies. The two women, one really still a girl, look at each other and begin to laugh.
"This is so weird," the girl says as she looks at her older self.
"So weird," says that other self. "But also interesting,. I've often wondered what I would say if I ever got to talk to you. Should we just go with it?"
"Did you time travel? How? Are you here with a message from the future?"
"Nope. That's still not a thing. At least," She looks around, shrugging "I didn't think it was. I don't know."
"What about teleportation?"
"Still can't do that either. Want to walk?"
The girl nods, and the two women begin walking side-by-side, northward up the beach. Their feet gently kicking through the soft, shallow waves.
"So, first, I guess I'm sorry," the older woman says nervously, looking off into the distance, "I know I'm not who you expected. Definitely not the cool future self that you imagine. I hope you're not too disappointed."
"No, it's ok. You're ok. It's just weird to see myself looking so... different. But I can see that you're still me, how I'd be. I see it in our eyes. She pauses, now shyly looking away. “Do you think I can ask you about my future?"
"I don't mind. I'm not sure if I should answer everything, though. In books and movies, it's always a bad idea to learn too much about your own life. It can change things. You know, like in Back to the Future?"
"That would be bad."
"Very."
"So, you wouldn't want to change things?"
The older woman smiles. "A nice, easy first question, huh? No, I wouldn't want to change things. Overall, life has been pretty good. Don't you think so?"
"Yes, but..." She stops talking and walking.
"Go ahead,"
The girl is silent for a long time, considering. "Life can be so sad. So unfair. There's so much pain."
"There is, but..."
"Ever since Matthew died, I feel... I just can't understand how the world can be so awful. Why does something like that have to happen?"
"I know. I remember. That's recent for you, isn't it? If I could change that, believe me I would," she says sadly, remembering her happy little Godson who had died so suddenly. She doesn't say it, but thinks that was the event which probably marked the real end of her childhood - even though she was years beyond her teens when it happened. "It was such a sad time. Everything felt so heavy. I remember feeling like I would never be oka.y. It felt like... like I would never be able to trust the world not to hurt me like that again."
Something like relief passes over the young woman's face, as she realizes that she is standing with the one person who truly understands how she feels. She remains quiet for a long moment. The older woman waits, her memories replaying in her mind, until the girl tentatively interrupts her thoughts. "Did you, forget, or "get over it," like people say? Do you trust the world not to hurt you like that again?"
The woman sighs heavily, looking towards the water, without focusing on anything. "That's a tough one. You never really forget, but pain has a way of lessening. The way you feel now is so raw, but it will get better with time. As for trust, that's more complicated. I guess the answer is no and yes. No, because I know that someday the world will definitely hurt me again. I know that I will lose the people I love eventually - or else they will lose me. That's just life."
"That's terrible, "The girl says sadly. "How can you ever be happy knowing that? Are you just always waiting for the next bad thing to happen?"
"It's not always easy. Honestly, it took me a long time. I spent years waiting for it to happen. But, I can tell you this. I haven't experienced another loss as terrible as that one - at least not yet. So you can try to relax about that. You just need to give yourself time to heal. You'll get there. And also, it's worth it."
The girl looked skeptical. "To love people," the woman adds softly, putting her hand on the girl's shoulders. "It's worth it, even though it hurts."
"OK..." They walk in silence for a while, each lost in her own thoughts of love and loss.
"Is there something else?"
The girl pokes at a pile of foam with her toe, not meeting the eyes of her companion. "Well, it's just that..." she starts. "Well, you remember, don't you? Will I ever, ya' know? Will I be alone, or..."
"No, you won't. You will always have people. Family, of course, and friends will always come into your life when the time is right. Some will come and go, but the others will stay."
"Friends? Oh. So..."
The older woman laughs. "Relax. OK, yes, you'll meet someone. You'll even get married. But I think that's probably as much as I should say about that."
As they walk, the girl hops over an occasional wave, while her counterpart watches her easy movements enviously. Eventually the girl cranes her neck, looking around. "But you're here alone too. Isn't there anyone with you now?"
"Oh, well yeah, I am today. Everyone else is at home, but I came down because Papa is sick."
"Papa? Who's P..."
"I mean DAD. He won’t be Papa for a while, yet. He and Mom live up that way now," she says, pointing up the beach.
"Is he ok? And, wait. Does that mean...?"
"He is. Or he will be, anyway. And, yes. I guess I let that one slip, huh? So much for not giving you details. You know I'm an open book..."
"Whether you want to be or not!" the younger woman finishes. "Although I thought we'd be better at that by now. Sooo... babies? When? Girls or boys? Oh, I can't wait!"
"I know. I remember. You'll have to wait for a while, though. It won't be fast or easy. Sometimes you'll think it can never happen for you."
The girl looks down, disappointed.
"But, I'll tell you something. When they do finally arrive, they'll be amazing. You'll love them like you've never loved anything or anyone before."
"THEY?! You mean there's going to be more than one?" She squeals, bouncing excitedly, causing water to splash. She blinks, wiping salt water from her eye, then looks around.
"And, what about, you know," she gestures around her vaguely, "the world? Everything, everyone else?"
The woman shrugs. There's so much, I don't even know where to start. There will be some terrible changes, but incredible ones too. There are days you won't be able to forget no matter how hard you try, but also ones that you'll want to hold on to. The country is kind of a mess right now. I guess try to stay aware and involved, but just... don't let yourself get bogged down with the big picture so much that you miss the small joys."
"I don't think I like that answer," the girl sighs.
"I know. But you'll be ok. I'm ok."
The woman smiles to herself and turns to continue walking. Suddenly she gasps, and stops short, as if frozen. She stands silently staring, suddenly oblivious to the girl who watches her closely. She grins and wipes at her watery eyes. She reaches forward, looking as though she will move, then stops, mouth hanging open, eyes fixed on a spot in the distance.
"Are you ok?" The girl asks, looking around to see what had shocked her new friend.
"That's, that's them," the woman points a shaking finger. "Look. Do you see that mother with the kids in the shallows? That's them. Oh, I remember this! It was such a magical day. The water and the sun were perfect. We played for hours like that." She continues to stare, awestruck. "Aren't they beautiful? And look how happy she is!" She waves at the mother and children, who play on without noticing, then turns to the girl, eager to share her excitement. But the girl looks disappointed. "What's the matter?" the woman asks.
"I don't see anything. I can't see them."
“Really? They're right..." She points, then drops her arm. "I guess maybe it's not time for you. I'm sorry."
"Do you think we could go closer? Maybe if you talk to them? Maybe then?"
"No. I don't think she can see us, anyway.."
"But why?"
"Because." She pauses, trying to find the right words. "The center of her entire world is standing in front of her right now, playing in that water. She simply has no reason to even look up." As the woman speaks, her eyes never leave the mother and children. Her face a kaleidoscope of emotions. Suddenly she says, "Actually, I don't think she's given you a thought in years. No offense, but you seem like a different lifetime to her."
"But, what about you? What if she has questions? Don't you have anything you want to tell her?
"So many things, but no," the woman smiles sadly. "She doesn't want to see me. She's afraid of me."
The girl looks up sharply. "I don't get it."
"Well, unlike you, she can't imagine, and doesn't want to think about, a stage of life beyond the one she's living in. As much as you look forward to all that the future will bring, she fears losing all that she has."
"Oh. And... will she?"
The woman smiles, brushing away the tears that now flow freely down her cheeks. "She will. But not in the way she thinks." The girl looks at her, worry and confusion clouding her face. The woman sighs. "She will lose this. But what she doesn't understand yet is that every moment that she loses will be replaced with another, which will be important and special in its own way. As her children grow into themselves, she will get to meet and re-meet them over and over again. Sorry. I'm not sure you can understand that now."
"I don't know," says the girl. "I kind of get what you're saying, a little bit. But oh, I wish I could see them!"
The older woman watches wistfully as the mother and children leave the water. She watches the mother wrap the children in towels, and begin collecting toys. Soon they walk away, without ever even glancing in her direction. "You will," she says softly. Then more brightly, "Now. Any more questions?"
"So, you're happy?"
"I'm happy. I mean, not always, but in general. Sad and scary things still happen, and there are days, even weeks or months when happiness seems like a dream or a memory. I still worry way too much and don't appreciate things enough. But I like my life and I love my family and my friends and my job, so I'd say that overall I am happy."
"Ok, good. Do you have any advice for me?"
"Hmmm. Mainly I guess I'd say try not to worry so much.” The girl rolls her eyes and the woman chuckles in return. “Yes, I know how hard it is. Also, try to hang on to yourself."
“What does that mean?”
"How do I say this?. Well, You will have some amazing people in your life, a great husband and family, wonderful friends, super kids... but sometimes you kind of lose yourself in them. You forget who you are because you think you need to be like them, or that you need to be someone better than yourself for them to love you back.”
The girl blushes and looks away. "I know. It's so embarrassing."
"No! Don't be embarrassed. You love big. When you care about people, you put your whole self into it. It's what makes you you. But... maybe save a little bit for yourself if you can. When you find the right people, you'll realize that you don't need to change for them to like you. Then, eventually, you’ll start to realize that maybe you never did.”
"OK," the girl replies skeptically. "I'll try."
The woman laughs. "Oh," she said, "and keep moving your body. Enjoy those knees while you can!"
The girl runs into the water and jumps high, over a big wave. “What? THESE knees?" she laughs, hopping and twirling. She crouches into the water and rockets out of the waves smiling.
"Now you're just showing off!" the other woman laughs.
After a few more wave jumps, the girl stops dancing and walks closer. "What about you?"
"Me?" asks the woman, looking suddenly uncomfortable. "What about me? I told you, I'm fine."
"Well, it's just that… there's me, waiting for EVERYTHING important to happen, and there's the one you saw with her kids. What about you? What are you doing? Fifty-four isn’t that old.“
"Gee, thanks," she starts to laugh, but the younger woman's earnest face shows that she isn't joking. "Ah. Well no, it’s not. You’ll be surprised at how not old it feels. But honestly? I don't know if I can answer you. I'm not really sure about me right now. Big changes are coming, and I'm not sure what that will be like. It's scary. A little exciting, too, but scary.”
The girl smiles proudly. "Maybe that's why you came to find me!"
"Excuse me? I thought we found each other so I could give you advice and pass on my great wisdom?" the woman asks with a wink.
"Maybe," the girl replies slowly. "It's just. I don't know. You said the mom one probably didn't remember me, right?"
"Right."
"So I'm guessing you haven't really thought about me much, huh? Don't worry. I'm not mad about it."
"I guess not. But..."
"Well, look at me! None of the great things you told me about have happened yet. I'm independent. I'm not married, and I don't have kids, I don't even have a real job yet, but guess what?"
"Um... what?" the woman asks cautiously.
"I am pretty okay too.” The girl lifts her arms out to her sides and spins in the surf. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm unhappy, and sometimes I worry about ... well, a lot of things, but I do a lot of fun stuff too. Remember?"
The woman looks at her, thinking.
"Remember roller blading on Memorial Drive? Dancing at the Kells, and that hip hop class that we took? Remember traveling Europe alone, and moving to Boston, and making so many new friends?"
The woman nods again, a small smile finding her lips. "I do."
"Well, I'm guessing that you needed me to remind you of all of those things. You said I need to make sure not to lose myself. I think you were really talking to you!"
"Well, I am, actually..."
The girl rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean. Stop trying to make it a joke. I think you need me to help you find you... me again. To remember that you were ok before, that even in spite of the hard stuff, you were happy."
"I was."
"You were. I am. Really. And I think you will be too."
The woman smiles at her younger self. "I think you're smarter than I remember. Can I give you a hug?"
As they hug tightly, they appear to anyone passing like a mother and daughter, which in a way, they are. "It's going to be ok. I promise." They both say, as they let go slowly. It feels to both of them that their meeting, and their conversation, have reached their end.
"Take care of yourself," the woman says.
"You know I will," the girl answers.
With that, they smile and turn away from one another, each heading back in the direction from which she came.
April, 2025
On a bright afternoon, a woman is walking northward along the beach. Having just experienced the strangest event of her life, she is lost in thoughts of the past and musings about the future. She walks slowly through the shallow water, smiling to herself. When she looks up she sees an old woman coming toward her. Tall, but stooped, the white haired woman smiles and waves.
"Hello there," she says. "I believe I know you."
