Both Sides Now

 

We watched the movie CODA this week. It was a powerful movie with some wonderful music, including a beautiful rendition of Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now. Since watching the movie, I have listened to that song many times, sung by many different artists. Each brings a different tone and a different feeling to the song. (Emelia Jones' rendition from the movie is my favorite). 

What is it about, really? Is it about point of view? Loss of innocence? Growing up? Growing old? Or is it that as we grow and change and even become jaded, part of us still sees the fantasy? Even as we learn that love and life can be hard, part of us wants to remember and feel the magic, and maybe we can. It reminds me of a poem that I read when I was much younger. I don't remember the whole thing, but it was from the point of view of an old woman, who says something along the lines of, "I'm still the young girl who loves horses and flowers." We carry all of our past selves with us. 

So why am I feeling such a connection to this song and this idea now?  Listening to it on repeat like a lovesick teenager, I feel at once happy, wistful, and sad. I think back to my childhood and my kids' childhood, surrounded by the rose-colored light of nostalgia. Am I having some sort of 50 year-old midlife crisis? Maybe. Or maybe the combination of the girls growing up, trying to work my way back into my career, and living in a troubled, complicated world in the middle of a global pandemic are working together to create their own crisis. Either way, it feels like who I am in the world is changing again, and it has left me feeling sensitive. 

As the song says, "...something's lost and something's gained by living every day." We learn, we change, we grow, and that's ok. In the words of Glennon Melton, "Life is Brutiful" It's brutal and beautiful all at once. And in the end, we still won't have figured it all out. Maybe the key is to keep a hold of the magic. 

Both Sides Now

By Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love 
Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

It's life's illusions that I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all